In my women's spirituality group at church we have been studying the writings of Father John of Kronstadt. Fr John was a colorful man much whom I relate to in the evangelical world as a big tent revival type preacher who spoke with much authority. In his thoughts regarding prayer, Fr John says we are to be convinced that God is in the room with us while we pray. We are to know that he is listening and is in our midst. Our conversation in our group ran through many trails on how we are to do what seems so easy but does not come natural?
I grew up in a home that practiced Transcendental Meditation. I have a picture I'll need to scan in one day of my dad in a plaid leisure suit in Switzerland speaking on TM in front of Maharishi himself (the man who started it all). In this environment and most especially after I learned to meditate, I learned that the mind and imagination ruled all. To meditate was to ponder or imagine a word given to you upon your TM instruction called a mantra. To find peace was to imagine yourself in a setting that was tranquil, etc. Everything involved the imagination and the "key to enlightenment" was within.
As I approached the teenage years my extended family who were heavily involved and very charismatic pentecostal folks began a mission to save me. My mother and father were in constant turmoil which led me to look elsewhere for spiritual lessons and my grandmother and others were eager to teach. During a revival where the guest preacher leaped across the room on the tops of pews while women danced and mingle rs spoke in tongues, I began a Christian walk. In this school and many others after, I was taught to use the imagination to picture Christ sitting in front of me. To imagine his response of smiles and love when I prayed to him. Even further, I was to imagine the effects of my prayers on those I prayed for. For the sick for instance; I was to imagine them being healed, etc.
After converting to Orthodoxy we were blessed to hear Fr Hopko speak about prayer and it's practice. Shock of all shockers, he stated we are not to use our imagination!!! He said the church fathers taught that the imagination is corrupt and can be used to conjure a God of our own design. I have been continually struggling with this. How do we look at icons and not imagine them to be the figure they represent? It almost reminds me of those 3-D pictures that used to be displayed in the mall where you had to look at it just right in order to see the hidden image appear. Maybe if I squint or cross my eyes just so I'll get it! Or so it seems...
Since my time with my women's group, I've been attempting to notice those moments when I can be convinced of God's presence. My hope is that by becoming more aware of His presence I will not take it for granted again.
The most recent and remarkable moment of recognizing God came when the twins "decided" to teeth at the same time. Not only that, they both started pushing through those molars! In the lonely hours of the earliest morning; when one should be nestled under covers in their warm cocoons, Wyatt erupted in a screaming fit of inconsolable rage and anger. Nothing could reach him and all our attempts ended in frustration. As the minutes rolled by and just as I reached for my running shoes to navigate the streets looking for the closest cliff to jump from, a calm began to take over. A quiet peace that no human is capable of (or so I imagine) in such a moment soothed my frayed nerves and that God-given instinct that a mother is blessed with for survival guided me. After rocking and singing to Wyatt for what seemed ages, he relaxed and then finally fell asleep in my arms. It was a blessing, a lesson in patience and chance to hold a little guy constantly on the move one more time. I know that I was not the only one in the room at that moment. I'm convinced that God was with me; listening to my prayers and answering in a still, small, way that reverberated so loudly in my little world.
It's in the small things!
